Written between November 3, 1979, and June 20, 1985, this journal is the firsthand account of a woman’s struggle to come to grips with her undiagnosed mental illness while dealing with its mood swings. The author also finds herself in the throes of a toxic relationship with an older lover who not only belittles her already fragile self-esteem but is prone to acts of physical violence. Her many years of journaling reveal her self-torture and loathing interspersed with moments of hope. Harding chronicles the ways in which she self-medicates with both alcohol and food, all while struggling to maintain her career as a physical education teacher. She addresses not only her same-sex relationship with her abusive lover, but also addresses relationships with family, friends, coworkers, and her students.

This book is a brutally honest look at one who finds herself on the brink of suicide on several occasions. It is a tale of a woman who swears to overcome her perceived “badness” so she can live a better and more deserving life and who berates herself for succumbing to what she cannot control. The result is both disturbing and enlightening. At times the author addresses her alter-ego in an exchange that truly gives readers a glimpse into a troubled mind. Her story isn’t an easy read; it is heartbreaking. One is hard-pressed not to empathize with a woman who writes of feeling “bad” and “unlovable,” feelings that all have experienced on occasion, but which are certainly taken to a higher degree than most within these pages. This work is a must-read for anyone who struggles with what was years later in the author’s life diagnosed as bipolar disorder or who loves one who does.

Return to USR Home